December 2, 2011

On and Off the Bog: my weekend in Strassie

Bloody gastro. Had it since Tuesday. No appetite so my calory intake has dropped to nothing, very thirsty but cant seem to bring myself to drink much. Headaches all the time. Just marvelous really. Friday morning comes and I've decided to ignore it as much as possible. Choke down a normal breakfast of wheatbix, drink through a teaspoon-full of sugary tea, creep around the apartment looking for my ninja touch kit. A banana for lunch. Having gone to the loo less than a dozen times in 24h is feeling like victory.

On the train and off to Basel to pick up the fantastic Finn. Catch another train with her to Strasbourg. Tram to Hotel, check-in at high speed and inspect bathroom immediately. Contact Nick and arrange to meet at japanese restaurant. Dinner is awesome and fun, enough appetite returns to make me think I'm going to be ok. Lots of geezers, lots of talk, only went to the dunny twice. Say goodnight and head back to the hotel. Made bathroom visits at 11pm, 2am, 3.30am and 5am. This is an improvement.

Crept into my ninja kit and stalked around the Homme der Fer before 7am. Caught tram to edge of town and walked for ten minutes to get to the rugby club at around 7.30am. Huge relief to find that they were already setting up and could let me in. Found the WC no trouble, looks in good shape - bonus. Rest of the world arrives and the games begin on time. Damn it's cold!

Creedy and Nick put us through some warm-ups and drills next to the field where the Geezer Warriors are playing their first match. On the side-line Creedy has us reinforcing shut-down defence and some basic line-attacks. Dave throws a couple of bullet passes at me which, had they hit my gut, would have yielded dire consequences for my underwear. Soon, the Geezer Smash Squad's first game comes up at the far fields, quick detour to the thunderbox and I'm ready for it.

We have so many Geezers at the comp that we've got two teams and I'm sharing a single link position with Alex and Daniel. This is awesome because I love to sub, and today that's going to be especially useful. On the field it becomes immediately apparant that we are supposed to win this bloody thing. Gut shrinks, sphincter tightens and the pressure was pretty high. Every time Steve ran near me all I could do was run away hoping to draw off whoever was ostensibly defending against the possibility I would get the ball. Of course, trying to run with gastro makes you move like a crabbing hobgoblin with gout so it's not terribly effective. Nevertheless, whenever I thought I was close to exploding I could sub off to relax the intestinal villi. Game over and it appears we have won by a significant margin, 5-1? Cant remember. Hooray! We have a break now, so I'm off to the little boy's room.

Result: Smash Squad beats TR91, 6-0.

Second game went more or less the same way. We were refereed by Basel Matt and the opponents, I think from Alsace, were pretty keen to dominate. But we have people on our team for whom failure is simply not an option. A bit of back-chat here and there made for a couple of heated moments. Dave, Nick, Creedy and Steve ran the show very hard while the rest of us just tried to keep up. At some point Creedy blew his mind and passed me the ball very close to the enemy line. Of course I did the only thing I could do, which was sit down and ground the ball hoping by some strange French rule that would be considered a try. It was not. Nevertheless we still won the game. By then I was feeling quite unwell and was grateful for the second break we got. Back in the clubhouse and back on the throne I spent some time contemplating the infinite.

Result: Smash Squad beats Touch Alsace 2, 9-3.

The third game was to be played on the fields nearer the clubhouse and when the time came we trudged out into the blowing gale. It was desperately cold for the inappropriately dressed. I dont know how the first half went at all because I wasn't there. 30 seconds before the start I announced to Alex that I had a belly-ache, therefore I had to go to the bathroom, and off I went.

I returned in time to watch the start of the second half. Apparently, the Geezer middles had been battling like tigers and we were in front. Alex and Daniel were also performing sterling service holding up our shared link position, so I wasn't overly concerned about letting the team down with my absence. The Geezer Warriors had gathered at the sidelines and were cheering the Smash Squad on. I did want to play some role in this and lobbied to return to the field. Once on I managed to somehow be in the right place at the right time and scored a try. Soon the game was over and we had won a third victory.

Result: Smash Squad beats Lausanne, 3-1.

Game four started right afterwards so there wouldn't be a convenient toilet break for me. I resolved to try and play the full game anyway, gutbombs be damned. This was our hardest game yet and by half-time we were trailing. But of course in the next half our middles picked us up by the scruffs of our necks and dragged us squealing into a better position. I even managed a try of my own. But the best came when Creedy and Deepa finally connected at the death of the game to manufacture a last ditch point to draw even with our opponents. Phew! We hadn't lost a game and so finished at the top of our pool. All teams withdrew to the clubhouse before the final games were played. I beelined for the toilets with my belly rumbling like a busted tumble-drier.

Result: Hmmm, apparantly we won this game. Smash Squad beats Kituro, 6-4.

My girl had arrived and had watched our last game. I was feeling pretty green by this stage and knew my effective involvement was now over. I handed in my retirement papers to Nick and then explained to Alex that he and Daniel would have to soldier on without me. Thus it was that as Leila nursed me back to our hotel, the Geezers Smash Squad would play the final and win the competition. I missed our famous victory!?

Oh poo.

Keith.

Final result: Smash Squad beats Munich, 3-2.